Day 4

Today didn't begin like I expected it to.  I got a good night of sleep, which is unusual.  But I didn't feel well when I woke up.  I had a headache, and I hurt - all over.  I felt "lymey," as I call it, and I was disappointed.
When I hurt I am quiet, and Keith knew that something was wrong.  But it was different this time.  Yes, I was in pain, but I'm used to that - until now, pain was a way of life for me.  The difference was that my hope had taken a blow.  My confidence shattered.  This hurt was more than physical - I was disappointed, and kind of panicked.  Things had been going so well, and I didn't know what to make of this.

So I went to the center at my appointed time, and the lovely Diana met me as I walked in the door.  She asked the usual, "how are you feeling?"  But I couldn't give the answer that I wanted to give.  The answer that usually automatically blurts out of my mouth - "good!"
I said, "not so well today," and she saw the disappointment in my teary eyes.  With such warmth and empathy she reassured me, saying that this happens all of the time.  Patients ebb and flow.  There are a few good days, and then a bad day will come out of the blue.  She told me that it pretty consistently happens, and that this process is like peeling an onion.  Layer by layer we deal with things, and then different things are uncovered - and then we deal with those things.
And I felt a little better.  A little.  My head still pounded, and I went through two different therapies (we spend lots of time "with machines" as one of my fellow patients put it) before it was time for me to see the doctor.

Let me just say that I felt a little naked.  Someone other than my husband knew how I was feeling, and that it was bad.  I am an actor.  For so long I've learned how to look good in spite of my suffering.  I've pushed myself to crazy limits to remain physically active and look physically fit.  I don't complain - mostly because I can't tolerate complainers.  What's the use of dwelling on the bad stuff, anyway?  Nobody wants to hear it, right?  Seriously - when you run into someone and ask how they are, you expect to hear that they're good, fine, etc.  The moment when you start to get the lengthy dissertation on how miserable they are, your brain shuts off.  And truthfully, so does mine.
And so I act like I'm fine.  And I'm good at it.  And I know it because I have had SOOO many people tell me that they had no idea I had Lyme, or that I was suffering.  "But you look so good!"  is very common for me to hear.  And so I must be doing a good job, and that's okay with me.  But sometimes - Sometimes, I have to hold myself back from the urge to punch that person in the face.  Sometimes I want them to know that it hurts just to be awake and that I'm exhausted and that my brain is scrambled and I can't think straight. Sometimes I'd like them to know that they need to stop expecting so much of me because most of the time I'm on a brink of falling off a ledge that leads to who knows where.
But I don't, and they don't know, and I've never fallen off the ledge :)
But I digress.

Anyway, I was actually dreading Dr. Jowdy's "how do you feel today" question.  But he asked me, and I told him - the truth.  And then I broke.  I cried.  Like a little baby.  I was so disappointed and frustrated, and I finally cried.  If you know me - you know I don't like crying, and I hate crying in front of someone.  So this was huge.  And I cried a little more.  And that was okay.  Dr. Jowdy went on to explain the same thing that Diana did.  That this was normal, and almost to be expected.  He encouraged me.  When I got a grip, I apologized for falling apart and explained to him that I'm usually a good showperson, and that this usually doesn't happen when I feel bad.
And he told me that yes, there is no use dwelling on the bad stuff (just as I thought!)
But he also told me that it's not always good to suppress all of this, either - like I have done ever since I got sick.  So maybe this is part of my healing process.  That crying happens in his office all of the time, and if I needed to cry through the whole hour every day to get better, then I was welcome to do it.
And that was the end of the crying.
By the end of the appointment, my pounding 7/10 headache was at a 4/10, and I was already feeling better.  And as the day went on I felt better.  And by the time I got out of the infrared sauna at 5 pm, I felt good.
And that was my day.

Bella had another better day today than the last, and we are so happy.  Dr. Jernigan is so pleased with her progress, and they are so neat to watch together.  This man has a love of working with kids, and it shows.  We are so confident that we have her in the right place, and we trust him wholeheartedly with her wellbeing.  We know that she is healing, and it's happening quickly.  And it's awesome.

We also were able to spend some time FaceTiming with our Luca and Mia.  They are doing just fine, and we couldn't be more thankful for that.  It gives me such peace to know that they are happy at home with my parents.  Here is a picture of their cute little mugs from our FaceTime on my iPad.

How can that not make you smile?

As Dr. Jernigan said today, God is Good.  And we agree.